I'm here for more

My mom was very affectionate. I remember in my younger years, the hugging, the squeezing, the tickles, and all the giggles that came with it. During my teens, there was always a cheek kiss with a goodbye. Of course, this helped teach me tolerance and how to cover up an eye roll. In addition, for as long as I’ve known, Mom was the arm and back scratcher. Growing up, my sister and I took turns as we fought for space next to Mom while watching TV.  We’d call out, “it’s my turn,” long before it was. But, this didn’t end as we became adults. Even into middle age, we would sit on either side of Mom, extending our arms, waiting for the soothing touch that she so lovingly offered. The only change was more jockeying for position as my niece joined us, always looking for her fair share. Foot rubs were even added to the mix, at some point, as a way of not feeling left out while someone else was getting the coveted scratches.

We certainly took advantage of mom’s affectionate nature. We kept her busy. There was always a tangle of arms and legs. She would occasionally tease us about our neediness, but she never said no. She loved it more.

During the last week that I spent with her, one month before she died, she was fascinated by my arms. She liked touching them, squeezing them, picking at my sweater. Then came the soft kisses to the backs of my hands, and the gentle bites and nibbles on my forearms. These silly moments were so loving, and she seemed as happy as I was. This was a special week. I knew it then and I knew it even more later. I’m grateful that I recorded a lot of video on my phone that week. I’ll keep arguing that presence is important, but so is evidence, especially during these particular times.

Mom also, consistently, showed affection and endearment with her words. I can easily still hear her voice in my head. “Hi Honey” when she answered the phone or when I walked into a room.  “I love you so much, Honey,” or “Honey, I’m so proud of you” which could happen at any time. And, “I love you more” at the end of a goodbye.

She always had more to give to her family, that is for certain.

It goes without saying that it was a hard day two years ago when my sister called to say Mom had passed. I had planned on being with her when she left, and I sure feel like I let her down. She deserved more. I wish I could have given her more. It’s important to say, I don’t carry any guilt around this. It’s just the way that it happened. I only wish it had been different.

In my view of life, we are pretty lucky when death occurs in the natural order - parents aging and dying before their children. That natural order, at least, makes sense to our brain. However, it can still happen too soon. And of course, it can still be accompanied by immense sorrow and life-long grief.

My Dad passed away in 2010, and it was my first, close, experience with death.  I was at his bedside. That moment has never left me. Less than nine years later, there I was at Tim’s bedside for his final breath.  The moment that shook me to my core.  So yes, I had expected to be with Mom for her final breath.

All of this. The love and the loss.  It gives me purpose. My writing, my griefwork, it all makes sense for me to find a way, small as it may be, to educate and to support others. It sustains my knowing that life is so incredibly precious.  

My writing will continue, but I am taking a short break from it. I will be focusing a little extra energy on the startup essentials for the added services to my work.  My new website is the beginning of all of it. If you are reading this, my blog has launched from there, and all of my archives dating back to March 2020, including your comments are there too. Those comments are precious to me. I even paid extra for them to be migrated, intact, to my new site. So please, keep them coming!

On my website you will see that I have integrated my grief services with my new offerings as an End-of-Life Doula. I hope you will take a few minutes to peruse my pages for a better understanding of what that all means.  

It would be my honor to speak with you, your community, your friends, your family, your organization, your mahjong group, your book club, your walking group, your garden club, or whoever. You get it.

I’m here for more.

Check it out at www.loveyoumoredoula.com