When the door opens, don't rush to close it

It was completely unexpected. It was sudden.  But after a few days in critical care, we were told directly, by a hepatologist, that Tim was at very high risk of dying within three months. Tim was lucid. So, he heard it. Tim was a physician. So, he understood it. Tim was a person who had already considered his own mortality. So, he knew what was next. Tim died three days later.

On multiple occasions, through the years, Tim and I had discussed death and dying. We shared similar views, for the most part.  We had an understanding and a respect for each other’s beliefs and choices. Somehow, we were never compelled to avoid the topic. Still, the conversation that came after the hepatologist’s news was anything but easy. In this moment, it was now very real. And, it was devastating and shocking.  

Oh, how we humans love to talk about life! All the happy milestones.  The future plans. The good stuff!  But death and dying, it’s the norm to avoid that topic by any means possible. I get it. But death is just as much a part of life as anything else, and that is why talking about it needs to become just a little bit easier. So, how do we do it?

First, we have to stop closing the door on it. We are so very skilled at saying “no” to uncomfortable conversations.  But there are many natural opportunities to talk, to listen to understand, to educate ourselves, and to make choices. Maybe if we first acknowledge what we do that STOPS the dialogue, we can figure out how to START it.  

Here is my top six list of ways we may be shutting it down.

1. Holding onto a belief that talking about death is dark or foreboding.
2. Avoiding speaking to people who are grieving because we feel uncomfortable around them.
3. Avoiding discussing dying with a loved one who is terminal because we don’t want them to feel that we have given up on them.
4. Stopping a conversation about mortality from even moving forward with phrases like, “You are healthy! We don’t need to talk about this now.” Or “Don’t worry about that mom, we will take care of it when the time comes.” Or “Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere anytime soon!”
5. Buffering ourselves from the reality of death by only looking at it through the lens of movies and shows that portray it as entertainment rather than human experience.
6. Turning away from the reality of our own mortality because it seems too existentially overwhelming to sit with.

Are any one of these scenarios familiar? Perhaps all of them?

So why SHOULD we talk about death and dying?  What are the benefits to us and to those in our closest circle? If you are looking for the “What’s in it for me!”, here you go. I could easily make a longer list, but I’ll keep it simple.

• When we gently explore our own feelings about mortality, we often find ourselves living more fully.

• Sharing meaningful conversations about death and dying can bring us closer to those we care about.

• Having meaningful conversations when we are healthy helps reduce the stress and confusion that often overwhelms families during a health crisis.

• Being present with someone who is dying can offer one of the most profound experiences of love.

Do you want any of this? If not, then carry on. But if you are ready, you can start today by tackling anything that may be blocking the conversations. So, go back and look at my top six list one more time.  Also, there are books that serve as excellent guides for reflecting on your own values and beliefs about end of life. There are community groups, like Death Cafes, that hold space for these conversations. And there are professionals, like me, who can provide a guide and a plan for documenting. Once you are more comfortable, you have a better chance for facilitating the process with a parent, spouse or other loved one. And most importantly, when the door opens, don’t rush to close it.

Tim and I did not have a lot of time during that last week of his life. And I can say, especially, retrospectively, that fortunately we didn’t have to waste any of it. We didn't have to begin from zero contemplating feelings about death and dying. We did not start from scratch on decisions that needed to be made. And, we even pulled off a wedding! Most importantly though, we were able to be in the present with each other. And Tim was able to have time alone with each of his loved ones. He called it the parade. As he finished with one person he’d say, “okay, who’s next in the parade?” It’s amazing that he had this sense of humor.

We don’t always get the kind of death we would wish for or plan for. We may never be ready for death, our own or that of a beloved. However, it is feasible to evade some of the burdens through early conversations, and yes, even with a plan. There is a chance for ease and peace. And you may find that supporting a loved one at the end of life can be one of the most meaningful and loving experiences you will ever have.

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